Attachment Styles In Relationships

No two people are alike in this world but if there is one thing we all have in common, it’s that we need human attachment. Even the most reclusive of people struggle with solitary confinement. It is quite simply wired in us from the second we are born and crying out for our mothers.

Growing up, we all start to form bonds and relationships with other people, whether this be familial or perhaps romantic. It is these early experiences that shape who we are and how we approach attachment in the future. It starts with our parents and grows into school friends and teachers and so on and so forth.

Research has shown that there are four different types of attachment styles in relationships, all of which are dependant on your early experiences of attachment. I have listed the four styles below and what they mean in terms of who you are and the relationship you are in.

Attachment Styles In Relationships: Secure Attachment

A person with a secure attachment style is the following:

• Confident

• Reciprocal

• Non-reactive

• Resilient

This is the most common form of attachment styles in relationships with about half the population adhering to it. Fundamentally speaking, when a person has this attachment style, they feel confident and satisfied in their relationship. They trust their partner and have an effective channel of communication open at all times. People with this secure attachment are more comfortable with having independence and giving their partner the freedom to openly express love. They are happy both asking for and giving support to their partner.

This security is said to stem from having a healthy relationship with their parents. Chances are they were allowed to go out and explore the world as children, but in doing so felt safe and protected. Fast-forward to adulthood and this is reflected in not smothering their partner, and trusting them to be independent, but openly communicating in the process.

Attachment Styles In Relationships: Anxious / Preoccupied

A person with an anxious attachment style is the following:

• Dependent on others for self-worth

• Overly invested in and involved in close relationships

• Demanding

• Needy

• Fearful of autonomy

This is one of the less common attachment styles in relationships but is nevertheless quite present. People with this attachment style tend to become incredible unhappy and worried about being too much or too little for their partner, and as a result, take everything very personally. They are so fearful of being alone that they don’t live in the moment, instead placing a lot of pressure on their partner and becoming attached to their potential. This can come across as very clingy.

It should come as no surprise that this possessive attachment style that stems from anxiety, only succeeds in pushing people away. By being so desperate to hang onto their bond, they end up breaking it. For example, if their partner starts socializing more with friends, they may think, 'See? He doesn’t really love me. This means he is going to leave me. I was right not to trust him.'

Often people with this attachment style end up playing games as a means of alleviating the anxiety they are experiencing. This can take the form of acting out, trying to make their partner jealous, or perhaps shutting themselves off from texts and calls. Sadly, this rarely reaps the desired results and in turn, they end up attracting people with the third type of attachment style; avoidant.

Unsurprisingly, this anxiety is said to stem from children who lived with caregivers or parents who were perhaps neglectful, abusive, or emotionally unavailable.

Attachment Styles In Relationships: Dismissive-Avoidant

There are two types of avoidant attachment styles, but let’s first focus on dismissive-avoidant. People with this type of attachment style tend to be the following:

• Strongly independent

• Distant

• Very dismissive of the important role intimacy plays in a relationship

People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style are often described as lacking the desire to form or maintain social bonds, and they don't seem to value close relationships. For example, these people have a tendency to report that they are comfortable without close emotional relationships and prefer not to depend on others. Their high self-esteem means that they tend to be quite happy with this level of independence which can obviously negatively impact their relationships. Most people crave attention and intimacy from their partners but dismissive avoidants actively avoid it.

Chances are that people with this attachment style were brought up not to depend on anyone or reveal feelings that might not be acceptable to caregivers. As children, they had to quickly learn to stop or suppress their outward displays of emotion, meaning their first instinct when someone gets really close to them is to run away.

Attachment Styles In Relationships: Fearful-Avoidant

People with an anxious attachment style are usually the following:

• Dependent on others but avoid intimacy out of fear of rejection

• Low-self esteem leading to high-attachment anxiety

• Ambivalent

People with a fearful-avoidant attachment style tend to completely avoid relationships altogether, or keep anyone new they meet at a distance. They often sabotage any chance of a relationship because they are scared that their new partner will leave them, so they get in there first.

Fearful avoidants are afraid of being too close or too distant from their partners, which means they can struggle to keep their emotions in check, get overwhelmed easily, leading to intense mood swings. They are very much of the mindset that in order to get their needs met, they need to go towards others but if they get too close, they will get hurt. The sad reality for them is that person they love the most is also the person they are the most frightened of getting close to. This ambivalence and lack of strategy can mean they are often unsuccessful in forming long-term meaningful connections.

Fearful-avoidant attachment is most likely the result of severe childhood trauma, emotional neglect or abuse. Scientific research illustrates that the first 18 months of an infant's life impacts the brain’s development which is why even 20 or 30 years down the line, this trauma can still be heavily impactful. Now you have expanded your knowledge at attachment styles in relationships if you find yourself indentifying with any of the more challenging attachment styles in relationships theraoy might help.